NC: And, yes, you read that correctly, we are reviewing Jurassic World. But you might be wondering: How the h*** can we do that if it's still in theatres?
You said in The Review Must Go On that you'll never review a movie in theaters, but then you broke the rules. Why? (Add Sin)
(An old film reel titled "The Review Must Go On, D*****!" plays. We cut to That Guy With The Glasses from "Explaining 5 Second Movies", sniffing glue in the kitchen before he notices the audience)
TGWTG: Oh, hello. I bet you're wondering why we're reviewing this movie now instead of waiting for it to come to DVD. Well, the answer is quite simple. You see, Hollywood now sees us as a threat.
TGWTG (vo): (Title cards for the NC reviews of: Top 11 Best Avatars, The Purge, Son of the Mask and Blues Brothers 2000. All of them are listed as GONE) Taking down several of our videos on YouTube because they forgot reviews are part of fair use. (Title cards for Mamma Mia, Monster Squad appear as examples of videos being put back, followed by the title card for The Cat in the Hat, which is listed as GONE) Some of these videos have been put back, but others are just seen as too dangerous for your fragile minds to handle. (Title cards for the Jurassic Park Movies appear) Thus, every single time we've done a Jurassic Park movie, even if we end up praising it...
TGWTG: ...Hollywood has always taken it down.
I don't know how copyright works, but this doesn't work that way. Why? Because the videoes were already available elsewhere not just YouTube, but other video websites. When you did a clipped review only in theaters, the video will be taken down by copyright claims until the movie was released on DVD. For example, Bobsheaux's review of Jurassic World was once aired on June 27, 2015, but it was taken down by copyright, and he remastered it on January 14, 2017 way after the movie was released. Even The Gaming Beaver knows how to avoid copyright claim. Content makers aren't that stupid, especially those who worked in this field for years. (Add Sin)
(Mr. Puppy, voiced by Rob Walker, pops up on the counter next to him)
Mr. Puppy: But, Mr. Glasses! I have a question!
TGWTG: Why, if it isn't my good friend, Mr. Puppy the puppy. What's on your mind, Mr. Puppy?
Mr. Puppy: Hasn't Hollywood realized that by doing this, they look incredibly desperate and unprofessional?! I mean, even your reviews of (Poster for The Room) bad movies have led to higher sales due to your exposure!
No. They have every right to claim what they consider an infringement on their content. Again, I don't know much about copyright works, and I can't describe more. (Add Sin)
TGWTG: Hoho, Mr. Puppy, Hollywood has more important things to worry about than that.
Mr. Puppy: Well, what's more important than freedom of speech being threatened by insecure goons?!
TGWTG: Complaining how their (Poster for The Interview) freedom of speech is being threatened by a bunch of insecure goons!
Mr. Puppy: You're kidding, right?
TGWTG: But, as we said before, the review must go on.
Now what you said when you canceled several of your reviews like Matilda, Newsies, Old vs New War of the Worlds, Small Soldiers (before your review of Scooby Doo), Follow That Bird, and Demo Reel. (Add Sin)
Mr. Puppy: I mean, do they know the meaning of irony?
TGWTG: So, rather than do a review just to have it taken down anyway...
Mr. Puppy: They do remember SOPA Napster, right?
TGWTG: ...we're going to reenact scenes from the movie to give you a better idea of what we're talking about.
That you're better at parodies than CollegeHumor? (Add Sin)
Mr. Puppy: But, Mr. Glasses! The clips allow people to judge the film for themselves! Won't your reenactments leave an emotional, even bitter mark on the material being reviewed?
TGWTG: (Turns to the camera with a creepy smile) NONE! None whatsoever!
Your pure unadulterated ego of yours is why your haters grow more and more, and nobody takes your word seriously. (Add Sin)
Mr. Puppy: Gee. I guess the only thing we can do now is wait for Hollywood to finally grow up.
Or you supposed to review the movie when it was released on DVD because reviewing the movie in theaters is a bad idea. Because one, copyright claims, and two, using clipless reviews would make your audience confuse or they make angry comments when they saw the movies more than once or twice. (Add Sin)
TGWTG: I'm not holding my breath. So enjoy our incredibly unbiased review of Jurassic World.
Really! As a fan of the series, we'll see about that. (Add Sin)
NC: You heard the man. Reviewing the Jurassic Park movies has been a big tradition around here and we're not gonna let Hollywood stop it.
Since when was reviewing Jurassic Park movies a big tradition? It never was! Your theme months, Halloween, and Christmas are a tradition. Jurassic Park is not your tradition because you reviewed the original Jurassic Park after The Lost World. If you want to review the worst JP series, go review Jurassic Park 3, and if reviewing Jurassic Park becomes a tradition, you need to review the original first. But, no. You messed up the rules when you first reviewed The Lost World which is a big trainwreck to the JP fans. (Add Sin)
(We start off this reenacted movie by showing its title, before briefly showing the main characters of the film; all characters are played by NC and his crew)
NC (vo): The movie opens up with our main star of the film. Not Chris Pratt as Owen (played by Malcolm Ray), not Bryce Dallas Howard as Claire (played by Tamara Chambers), not even really the dinosaurs.
NC: No. The star of the movie is the park.
That's not how the movie opened! The movie began with the hatching egg of the Indominus, followed by a CGI bird, followed by the Mitchells. What? Were you late for the opening scene and didn't bother to rewatch the movie again? Silly question, I know. (Add Sin)
(We see Jurassic World in all its theme park glory, with various tourists exploring it)
NC (vo): The amount of detail they put into this place is incredible. We finally see it open. It's like Disney World, only less people probably die.
Dude, this fictional theme park isn't the only one with deaths. They're hundreds of people die in horrible accidents in theme parks or zoos even Seaworld has horrible accidents. (Add Sin) Unless when you pointed out that Jurassic World has fewer casualties than Disney World, you need to be more specific. (Add Sin)
NC: It's phenomenal! So, I know what you're thinking: If the park looks this good so many years after the original, imagine what the g****** dinosaurs must look like!
(We see several tourists approach a large gate, which begins to open)
NC (vo): It's been 22 years since the first film's groundbreaking effects, so how the h*** are they gonna look no-
NC: They suck. Like, wow, do they suck!
(The dinosaurs are shown being depicted as cardboard signs with dinosaurs drawn on them, much to the tourists' disappointment)
NC (vo): It's some of the worst CG the movies have ever cranked out!
Since I watched the movie a million times, I'm gonna call this a BIG nonsense. And the first movie's CGI hasn't aged well, and many sequels' effects are upgrading more and more than the previous movies. Jurassic World was released in 2015, and CGI has been approved greatly since 1993. In my opinion, the effects of this movie are better than the last three movies since Fallen Kingdom has the best effects in the entire Franchise. I'm gonna add eight sins for trashing CGI since you hated almost all of them (Add 8 Sins)
NC (vo): They look like cardboard cutouts! No, wait, even that would have some three-dimensional qualities to them. They look like mist, like a cloud of fog in the shape of a dinosaur.
Are you trying to convince us that we're stupid when YOU'RE WAVING A PAPER PLATE ON A STICK, AND PORTRAY DINOSAURS AS GHOSTS!? (Add Sin)
NC (vo): There's a scene where a kid is looking at dinosaurs through a Viewfinder which...by the way, you're thirteen. What the f*** are you doing looking through a viewfinder?
He's a dinosaur enthusiast! That's why! (Add Sin) And, by the way, have you seen a brony before? I'm 19 years old! I know My Little Pony's a girl's show, but they're plenty of males who watch MLP, for crying out loud. You don't have to judge them. (Add Sin)
NC (vo): ...and even they look more three-dimensional than the ones in the movie!
NC: And you wanna know why? 'Cause it was really there! It was really f****** there! I mean, okay, they're little models and they don't look very convincing, but I feel like I can touch them!
Both CGI and stop motion effects ARE three-dimensional. (Add Sins) When the movie uses CGI or Stop Motion, that doesn't mean if they're there! Old or very cheap movies use stop motion effects for a couple of reasons while modern movies use CGI like the 2014 Godzilla which has one of the best CGI ever made. (Add Sin)
NC: And here's the thing, I'm actually not Anti-CGI!
Really? I couldn't tell with every time you trash CGI in a movie and call it "FAKE"! (Add 8 Sins)
(Two images of what NC describes are shown)
NC (vo): Ex-Machina, she looked like a real robot. Madagascar totally made me believe that David Schwimmer could act!
Ex-Machina is not CGI. She's a 'real' actor with a little bit of CGI. And animated movies don't count. (Add Sin)
NC: But with the other Jurassic Park movies, they use animatronics and CGI. This fools the eye, it makes it more of a grand illusion. We've gotten too used to CGI, so when we see it, we know it's CGI and we know it's not there.
Except what I sated. The CGI in the original look faker than the animatronics. (Add Sin)
NC (vo): But here's the other weird thing, they said they used animatronics in this movie.
Yes. They. Did!
Models and animatronics were used in the movie. Haven't you seen any behind the scenes documentary that wasn't Batman? (Add Sin)
NC (vo): But, outside of a scene where Littlefoot's Mother dies, they all look so flat and unconvincing. How can this be if they used animatronics? In my opinion...
NC: ...they CG'd over the animatronics.
(We see a scene of Owen trying to tame a raptor, which is played by a large toy model, until a large hand draws all over the raptor and replaces it with a cartoon Yoshi, much to Owen's confusion)
NC (vo): They look at the animatronics of, say, the raptors in the muzzled cages and say, "You know what? I want the eyes to blink a little different or the mouth to move a little more. Let's paint CG all over that s***, and now, there's a veil of fake (Yoshi) all over what used to be believable."
Oh, like the same way Marvel made their CGI villains and armors look real like EVERY mo-cap characters have been done in the last few years? Haven't you heard of this? (Add 8 Sins) You're making this clipless review and lying to the entire audiences to convince us you're not wrong for money! You are mocking every CGI, and since you said that you're not 'anti-CGI', nonsense! Every time you see CGI, you called it "FAKE"! You've reviewed movies with far worse effects so don't pretend CGI is close to their level! (Add 10 Sins)
NC: But I know what you're thinking...who cares?
Then what's the point of that rant? Isn't that self-defeating? (Add Sin)
NC (vo): We want to see cool dinosaurs do cool dinosaur things. Even if they look kind of fake, we want them to do cool things, right? Well, I'm gonna take that argument and store it away in here (Zelda compartment) for later, because trust me, that will come back in a bit of time.
Oh, you wanted all dinosaurs to be stereotypical? Colin Trevorrow is not that stupid. He's mostly an expert on animals, and he knows how they behave. He knows that carnivores only hunt when they're hungry, unlike you who keeps pointing out that all dinosaurs eat people and that's it! (Add Sin)
(We see various tourists at a water section of the park, but many of them are looking on their phones instead of the dinosaurs in the water)
NC (vo): Now that the park has been open for a while, people, it seems, have gotten too used to dinosaurs.
Tamara: Oh, my God. This black chick who's a white chick is a white chick.
(Add Sin) Also, I like the fact when Malcolm glances at his iPhone through his camera. I mean, what person does that? (Add Sin)
NC (vo): That's right, they've actually gotten bored with them.
You're talking about Zach, who isn't really a dinosaur fan? Not all people aren't impressed by dinosaurs, you know that? Have you played Jurassic Park: Operation Genesis where they're different types of visitors? (Add Sin)
NC (vo): The CEO of the park named Simon (Malcolm) and the manager of the park named Claire try to figure out how to fix this.
(Simon and Claire are shown inside an office)
Simon: We need to up the sales. I need you to make me a dinosaur so bada** that if it escaped, we couldn't possibly stop it.
That's not what Simon says! (I'm not playing a game or making a joke) (Add Sin) Second, a black guy playing an Indian with a terrible Indian accent? That's racist. (Add Sin) Third, why's Tamera portraying Claire like she's a hooker with an outfit and camera shots emphasizing her breasts!? Aren't you the same guy who keeps bashing Micheal Bay for sexualizing his female actors, yet you are doing the same thing in the name of parody!? Is it because when Claire outran Rexy on her high heels in which the reviews call it 'nonsense', but I disagree on that critique with my fandom intelligence because one, Rexy's twenty-seven years old in this movie; two, she wasn't hungry; three, she's just following the flare; and four, she sees the I-Rex as a threat!? And tell me, does that look like a hooker to you!?
If she isn't, then you're an idiot. (Add Sin)
NC: OK, now we're talking. We've seen raptors and stegosauruses before. This is creating a brand-new dinosaur specifically to look awesome. They don't have to follow any rules. It's not like they did before anyway. I mean (insert picture of), the Dilophosaurus... (insert picture of said dinosaur from Jurassic Park) Yeah, you nailed that.
First, the one from the right doesn't look accurate. It's an outdated depiction of the Dilophosaurus. This is what the real Dilophosaurus look like.
(Add Sin) Also, hybrid dinosaurs are nothing new. It was a reference from the Jurassic Park: Chaos Effect toys which include the Ultimasaurus. They didn't put it here in the movie because the fans know this one already. (Add Sin)
NC (vo): But they're using science to create whatever the h*** they want! By God, imagine what you could do with this!
(NC's imagination of a new dinosaur is shown)
NC (vo): The body of a T-Rex, the wings of a pterodactyl, the neck of a brontosaurus, the head of a triceratops, lions for hands, and hey, just to sell more tickets, give it bazooka b***s!
NC: C'mon, we're clearly in bulls*** science here, we can do whatever we want!
Twilight Sparkle: I know a little about dinosaurs, but that thing looks super ridiculous and super impossible to create. (Add Sin)
NC (vo): Okay, I know they're not going to make something quite like that, but it's gonna look amazing. And they've been building it up in this movie for quite a bit. (We are shown a security guard, played by Doug Walker, running out of his room and getting scared at a dinosaur) So after tricking the security guard like an 80's prison movie; no, really, he's got the sandwich and everything
Are you sure about that? He's holding a hot dog instead of a sandwich. And where are the cookies that Nick (the paddock supervisor) has? (Add Sin)
NC (vo): What does this monstrous, terrifying abomination of science look like? (Dinosaur Rob is shown, serving to play the part of the Indominus Rex) A big raptor.
Indominus Rex (Rob): I'm a new dinosaur.
NC: Yep, it's about as unimpressive as you can imagine.
What... The heck... is That?
That's your Indominus Rex in your clipless review? Let me ask you. Does this...
Look like this?
If it doesn't look like one, then you're an idiot. The Indominus Rex does not look like a giant raptor, it looks like a Giganotosaurus with an opposable thumb and covered in osteoderms. The Utahraptor was a giant raptor. The old reconstruction of the Megaraptor was a giant raptor. The I-Rex is NOT a giant raptor. And since he called a crab a 'turtle' in his Moana review, it's like calling a Therizinosaurus a giant turkey with claws! Ten sins for terribly described an animal like this. (Add 10 Sins)
NC (vo): Even the made-up name is a bore.
Claire: We're calling him Indominus Rex because it's easier to pronounce.
NC: You know what's even easier to pronounce? Coke 2. And that's all I'm calling him. I'm calling him the Coke 2-asaurus.
UGH! That nickname for the I-Rex is very stupid! Seriously, who would've thought this was funny!? (Add Sin) The name for this hybrid dinosaur is not 'made-up'. Like other dinosaurs, with their names combined forms from the languages of Greek and Latin, the name of the Indominus Rex means "Fierce or Untamable King" (it was originally be called Diabolus rex). (Add Sin)
(The Indominus Rex is shown trying to scare the guard, but upon having no luck doing so with roaring, manages to do so by using its new abilities)
NC (vo): Hey, they openly admit it's trying to be something bigger and badder than the T-Rex, but it looks so boring and fake, it can't measure up.
OH COME ON! I thought that thing was awesome-looking even The Gaming Beaver loved the description! But you're just mocking her description just because you're overly mocking the effects of this movie! (Add Sin)
NC (vo): But actually, to Coke 2's credit, it can do some cool things, like camouflage, lower his body heat, which, of course, the scientists have no f****** idea about.
Guard: Oh, my God! We watched him* from birth, kept him in captivity, and know everything there is to know about him! How can we possibly know everything there is to know about him?!
Of course scientists had no idea what the final result would be! It's a new experiment. And as new experiments go, they don't know what to expect until they get the finished results. That's how science works since the beginning of science! (Add Sin) Scientists do not predict the unknown. That's why we have what we know as speculation, theories, estimations, and testing. The Mythbusters couldn't tell how their tests would end because they were never done before. Even in the original novel, they mentioned that they didn't know what the resulted dinosaurs would be like until after they were born because they didn't have scientific records on what DNA strand they produce or if it was compatible to begin with. (Add Sin) And the reason why they didn't know why the I-Rex had this ability before because one, she's super intelligent enough to not reveal her abilities while everybody else is watching her, and two, Dr. Henry Wu classified her genome except for the T-Rex DNA until she escapes. And based on what we'll see from her cousin in Fallen Kingdom, that's not far off. (Add Sin) And, by the way, did Doug just assume the Indominus's gender? (Add Sin)
(Cut to Zach and Gray Mitchell, who were played in the movie by Nick Robinson and Ty Simpkins, but are now being played by Jim Jarosz and Tamara Chambers, with an eager Gray running around Zach, who is on his phone)
NC (vo): This is where the two kids come in, because, by s***, we always need f****** kids in these movies.
BECAUSE IT'S JURASSIC FREAKING PARK!!! It's part of the formula of the entire Franchise even from the novels. (Add Sin)
NC (vo): But to their credit, they're not that bad. It's more the idiot adults that surround them.
First, I half disagree with you. Grey is a good child character since he's a dinosaur enthusiast, but Zach, however, is just a stereotypical teenager who stares at random girls and gets bored by stuff in this theme park. (Add Sin and Movie Sin) Second, the adults and kids crowded around them are just 'strangers'. They don't automatically see Zach and Grey without an adult. (Add Sin)
(Cut to a scene with Claire in her car taking a call from her sister, Karen Mitchell, played in the movie by Judy Greer, but is now also being played by Tamara Chambers)
NC (vo): So they're spending the weekend with their Aunt Claire, who's obviously a little busy herself.
Karen: Hi, Claire! I just wanted to make sure the boys are okay?
Claire: Oh, well, actually, they're not around me right now. So-
Karen: (starts crying).
What a baby! (Add Sin)
Claire: (sarcastically) Oh, no! A T-Rex ate a baby, gotta go. (Karen wails on the other end as Claire hangs up)
Seriously? Who would've thought this was funny!? A dinosaur eating an adult? Sure. But a dinosaur eating a baby? No! It's not funny! It's very dark and disturbing. It's so disturbing that even the Predalien from AVP: Requiem slaughtered the babies in a hospital! Even that part in original the novel where the Compies devoured a baby is very dark. *whispers to Cadance's ear* Don't let Flurry Heart hear that line so she won't have nightmares.
Cadance: I'll try not to. (Add 3 Sins)
NC (vo): (continuing from where he left off) Of course, the kids aren't alright, (cut to Zach and Gray in a Gyro-sphere, riding by a sign that says "Stop, you f***** idiots!") because they're written like little dumb a**** that go off into restricted areas in their American Gladiator ball that, for some reason, has no track.
The Gyrosphere doesn't need a track! It was designed to allow visitors to see dinosaurs up close. And why did they have them when they have safari tours? Because they're cheap, the line is very long and can fit one or two people inside. (Add Sin) Grey isn't part of Zach's stupid idea of wandering off in the restricted area. (Add Sin) Also, if the gate was busted opened, how come the park workers didn't realize it when they have high-tech security? (Add Movie Sin)
NC: Okay, taking out the obvious safety of the two people inside, especially two children without an adult, in a ball, without a track, how is this safe for the dinosaurs? I mean, you've seen people in Go-Karts. Imagine throwing animals in that!
(Cut to Zach and Gray ramming a supposedly dead dinosaur with their ball)
Gray: Hohoho! Hit him again! (Zach does so) Haha! Hit him one more time! (Zach does so) Whew!
You know, if the park was already in successful business for 10 years, I believe the system isn't that incompetent to not notice a visitor harassing a dinosaur. And, I don't think the visitors are stupid enough to harass giant dinosaurs that could crush or stab them to death in a single wrong move. (Add Sin) Speaking of which, why can't the Gyrospheres have autopiloting systems in case when the ride is closing down? (Add Movie Sin)
(The Indominus Rex suddenly appears, causing Zach and Gray to scream and run away)
NC (vo): But Coke 2 grabs them and, again, because you never believe anything is there, it's not the least bit frightening
Does this look like 'nothing is completely there' or 'a bit frightening' to you?
You are such an idiot. (Add 8 Sins)
NC (vo): So Claire tells Owen, the raptor trainer, about our missing kids and Coke 2. Oh, after they share some amazing onscreen chemistry.
Owen: We dated once. Remember?
Claire: Sure do.
NC: And that's it. That was the onscreen chemistry.
(We see several scenes of Owen and Claire arguing with each other, standing still next to each other, and at one point, kissing each other, before resuming standing still)
NC (vo): On the one hand, I'm happy they didn't argue like those dysfunctional p****** in Twister, but on the other hand, why have them interested in each other at all?
NC: I mean, I'm not gonna act like the chemistry in the first film was that great, but they at least talked and hugged and smiled and s*** like that.
NC (vo): Here, they barely even look at each other. They share one kiss in the middle of the film, but then go back to acting like they're not a couple again. It's entirely pointless.
Have you been drinking alcohol while watching this movie!? We saw these two together for multiple times, we know that they have history together, and we know that despite from arguing, Claire is trusting Owen for his skills from his Navy days, experience in combat, and dinosaur training experience! AND let's not forget that they both helped and saved each other throughout this movie! So don't come out and say these two have nothing between them! (Add Sin)
NC: I mean, f***** bizarre concept, but if you have a dude and a chick in a movie, they don't always have to hook up. I mean, if you got a romance, great, but it's not like a checklist.
But why didn't you tell us in the first place in your Jurassic Park and Jurassic Park 3 review!? (Add Sin)
(Cut to a picture of Ripley and Bishop from Aliens)
NC (vo): In Aliens, Ripley doesn't need to turn to Bishop and be like (as Ripley) "I love you". (normal, while the image is edited with Bishop saying "Da F***?") It'd be totally out of nowhere and just wouldn't fit.
Ripley was in a relationship with Hicks. Bishop is just an android who doesn't need a couple. (Add Sin)
NC: And I know what you're thinking. "That's as crazy as the park CEO flying a helicopter into certain death". (beat) You probably weren't thinking that, but I needed a segue.
(Cut to what he mentioned with Simon and the guard from earlier in the review, with the helicopter being depicted as a flying toy)
NC (vo): The owner decides he wants to help stop Coke 2 by flying a helicopter to shoot at it. They even play this triumphant music, like "Yay! He's doing the smart thing!", but, despite everybody telling him he's gonna end up dying, he actually ends up dying.
Simon (voiced by Doug Walker): Oh, no! (The Indominus throws the helicopter into the ground)
NC (vo): Yeah, for a businessman, that was a pretty dumb move on his part.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure Simon would be killed if the I-Rex BURSTS THROUGH THE AVIARY, AND LURE THE PTEROSAURS OUT TO DESTROY THE HELICOPTER! Helicopters are the best option to kill a rampaging dinosaur since the I-Rex killed most of the ACU team. (Add Sin) Unless if you said that Simon could've hired a pilot, but he refuses to since he has piloting skills (Sort of). (Add Movie Sin) Another Jurassic Park formula: Misguided Capitalists. I'm not mocking the Franchise's formula because I am a fan.
NC (vo): This leads to a bunch of pterodactyls being released
No honest of Celestia paleontology fanatic would ever call them 'Pterodactyls'! These are called pterosaurs. The term 'Pterodactyl' is as outdated as calling a black guy the 'N' word. While there's no pterodactyl, there was a pterosaur called Pterodactylus, but it wasn't the same thing. What people think of 'pterodactyl', they refer to this thing with a head of a Pteranodon, the tail of a Rhamphorhynchus, and wings of a bat, which is totally inaccurate. Also, pterosaurs were not dinosaurs, they were just flying reptiles related to crocodilians, dinosaurs, and birds. That's it. (Add Sin)
NC: Okay, remember that argument I was talking about before about having the dinosaurs only do cool stuff? Well, here. Let's bring that argument back in. THIS is the cool stuff I'm talking about: the pterodactyls are attacking people. Why is this awesome? Because it's taking it to the next level!
NC (vo): We've seen dinosaurs eat scientists and people with guns in the jungle, and we're sick to death of it.
NC: Here, even though it's obviously fake, it still looks really cool.
Okay, if they're cool despite you claim them being fake, then what was the point of that rant of the start of the video!? It's like when you keep telling us 'stay away from that lizard. It's very spiky-looking', and then you tell us by the end of the day 'but it is harmless'. What's the point of the argument!? (Add Sin)
(The pterodactyls are shown attacking the tourists, before we are shown a drawing description of what happens throughout the film's scene)
NC (vo): They do some legitimately creative awesome stuff. They pick up civilians, fight over them, drop them into the water, only to have other dinosaurs eat them there
THE MOSASAURUS WAS NOT A DINOSAUR EITHER!!! JUST BECAUSE IT RESEMBLED A DINOSAUR, IT HAD A 'SAUR' IN THEIR NAME, BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM 'DINOSAURS'!!! The Mosasaurus was a marine reptile closely related to Monitor Lizards, but not a dinosaur nor an archosaur. (Add 10 Sins) No comment on Zara's death scene? No? Okay.
NC: Even Claire machine guns down (vo, showing that) one of them, saving Owen's life!
Didn't you just complain about those two not having anything between them, and accused that kiss scene for being out of place!? Do you not pay attention to your own words!? (Add Sin)
NC: But, of course, the little kids are like-
Zach: We want to go with you.
Claire: Aww, thanks, that's really great to hear!
Zach: No, I mean him (Owen).
NC (vo): F*** YOU, you little s****!
NC: If I saw my aunt machine gun down a pterodactyl, you bet I'd hide behind her skirted a**!
First, it was a tranquilizer rifle. (Add Sin) Second, oh sure, go with the inexperienced white-collar lady who's not properly dressed for combat and overshot one single target over the guy who freaking trained raptors to respect his command. (Add Sin) Speaking of which, how come you didn't bring out the Raptor Squad even though they were one of the biggest highlights of the movie? (Add Sin) And since the reviewers regard the raptor squad as 'stupid' because all they want is raptors eat people blah, blah, blah, which is a complete NONSENSE because Owen imprinted them when they're born, and raising wild animals is not implausible.
(An image of a large crowd of people is shown)
NC (vo): So, okay, all the people in the park are in one location, an all you can eat dino buffet just waiting to be ripped to shreds. The opportunities write themselves. What terrifyingly awesome thing-
(The word "NOTHING" appears on the screen in red)
NC: Nothing! We never see those people again. They-they just stay in this one giant spot, this f****** salad bar of deliciousness, and we never...
NC (vo): ...ever touch them again.
What did you expect!? That the pterosaurs would smash through the bunker walls? That's what these bunkers are for: To protect the visitors in case of an animal rampage, which is what it does right now. Even in Jurassic World: Evolution, they had visitor shelter in case when an animal breaks out or an incoming storm. Are you that much of a sadist!? (Add Sin)
NC (vo): What do they do next?
NC: Well, something completely different, really new, you've NEVER seen this in a Jurassic Park movie! (beat) They go (vo, as we cut to what he's describing) hunting dinosaurs in the jungle! (cut back to him) Right?! RIGHT?! PUSHING THE F****** ENVELOPE HERE!!
OF COURSE THEY WOULD! There's a dangerous animal on the loose that could camouflage or conceal its thermal signals! What did you expect? To leave it alone or something!? Or to napalm the entire island just to kill that ONE creature, burning everything to the ground and ruin everything the park had--
Oh... (Add Sin)
NC (vo): Because, hey, remember. There's an evil scientific hybrid that needs to be stopped. Oh, I'm not talking about the dinosaur, I'm talking about Vincent D'Onofrio, being successfully combined with John Malkovich and every early 90s villain ever!
(The character, whose name is Vic Hoskins, played in the movie by D'Onofrio, played in this review by Rob Walker, is shown confronting Owen)
Hoskins: I wanna weaponize these raptors because I'm the obvious bad guy! I adjust my belt buckle all the time!
This guy is the 'obvious' villain of the first Jurassic Park movie. Guess what? It didn't hurt the movie. Shut up! (Add Sin)
NC: No, no, we don't care, we don't care. We just had a scene where pterodactyls played hot potato with people's heads. Why would we care?
NC (vo): We know he's the bad guy, we know he's going to die, we know that MAN SUCKS! So, can we stop repeating what we've seen a f*** ton of times in the other films? Can we PLEASE get some new developments?
What!? You need to tell me that Jurassic Park has to have an endless dinosaur slaughter or some sort of war between man and dinosaurs!? You said you hated Jurassic Park 3 because it treated itself like a B Movie, now you hated Jurassic World because of the themes that do stick to mankind's arrogance playing God? Or was it because you thought Jurassic Park is about 'don't create dinosaurs'? Why is this dinosaur resurrection literal when we already tried to extract amber from mosquitoes in the real world and there's no blood in it since DNA can decay for two million years!? It's not possible, it's metaphorical, like Godzilla who somehow didn't get crushed under pressure when walking on land! Think about it, imagine if people create a city-destructive monster that could withstand nuclear weapons, or a stealthy camouflaging creature that could pick on their enemies one by one undetected, or to make matters worse, a giant blob that consumes everything in its path. DINOSAURS ARE NOT THE MAIN FOCUS, THEY'RE METAPHORS FOR HUMAN TECHNOLOGY! But that doesn't mean they're portrayed like some sort of gosh-dang SyFy movie monsters themselves. Frankenstein's Monster is still sentient, like natural creatures, despite being an unnatural creation because it adds to the theme of playing God, and so does Jurassic Park. You tell me how many times you arrogantly told yourselves you're not repeating some old mistake, but end up repeating it anyway. Thirty sins for carelessly criticize the whole theme of the entire franchise! (Add 30 Sins)
NC: (laughing for a moment) Oh, wait, what am I talking about? One of the BIGGEST developments in the film is coming up. And I mean it, this is, like, a HUGE TWIST they've been building up.
(Cut to Owen on a motorcycle with the raptors)
NC (vo): They use the raptors to find Coke 2 and... somehow think these tiny things are gonna take it down
This is not the newest scientific discovery! Real-life predators, such as wolves and African hunting dogs, can hunt in groups in order by taking down larger prey animals, even real dromaeosaurs are social animals (of course not all dromaeosaurs are pack hunters including real Velociraptors (I'm looking at you, Dinosaur Planet)). (Add Sin)
NC (vo): when they finally put two and two together. And remember, this is a BIG SHOCK!
(Owen, Claire and the guard, aiming their guns (the guard is aiming his hot dog), discover the Indominus communicating with the raptors)
Owen: My God! That dinosaur that looks like a raptor, acts like a raptor, sounds like a raptor, and moves like a raptor... I think it's part raptor!
(NC, fed up, takes off his glasses, face palms, and proceeds to leave the room, with the camera following him)
NC: (off-screen) No. No, no! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! (whimpering) NO, NO, NO, (on the floor whimpering like a child) NO, NO, NO, NO! You can't be this stupid! You (uncovers face, which has now turned bright beetroot red with rage) CANNOT be this stupid! I mean, LOOK at that d*** thing! (the picture of Dinosaur Rob from My Pet Monster is shown captioned "Raptor" compared to Dinosaur Rob (Indominus) in this review. The only difference with him in this review is that he has a navy blue shirt instead of a brown one, a matching color hat, and has dark green skin instead of light brown) OF COURSE IT'S PART F****** RAPTOR! IT'S LIKE 90% F****** RAPTOR, YOU G****** MORONS!!
NO! The moron in question is YOU, mister, for you made a HUGE error to the Franchise. Since it has confirmed in the movie the I-Rex got raptor DNA, let's ignore that, and compare the following notes: does the Indominus Rex look like a raptor? She barely looks like a raptor, but it is not. Does the Indominus Rex acts or moves like a raptor?
Does the Indominus Rex sound like a raptor?
Congratulations. You've gained a Tripple F! (Add 10 Sins) But we're not done here yet! Do you know why was this reveal a big deal? Because when you have an animal that doesn't look like a real animal with most of its data classified then, of course, it'll make the reveal a big deal! Since the I-Rex is a hybrid dinosaur, here are the creatures listed here: Tyrannosaurus Rex for the base body and jaw strength; Giganotosaurus for the size; Velociraptor for the intelligence; a combination between Majungasaurus, Rugops, and Abelisaurus for the skin and armor; Carnotaurus for the horns; Therizinosaurus for the arms and hand claws; Deinosuchus for the mouth and teeth; pit viper for thermal sensory, night vision and jaw articulation; tropical frogs for body heat; and cuttlefish for camouflage. And they are rumors they also used human DNA in the formula to make it even smarter, since that the I-Rex has opposable thumbs, and they left the source as secret. Some say it's from a rumored human DNA while others said it was a primate, but I'll go with the Troodon theory since it's a dinosaur with opposable thumbs and it was already featured in the Jurassic Park TellTale Game and Jurassic World: Evolution. That means that the Indominus Rex is a combination of at least 11 known creatures in one, not including the rumored human DNA, nor the Troodon theory. And as stated before, it does not look like a dromaeosaur because it was not the template used here. The Indoraptor from Fallen Kingdom, on the other hand, is a giant raptor because that used a raptor as the main template.
So congratulations, Doug Walker. You've made the biggest screwup in your entire Jurassic Park reviews THAT MADE THE FANS VERY MAD!
Fifty sins for you! (Add 50 Sins)
(We cut to Hoskins being attacked and killed by a raptor, before showing Owen and the kids being confronted by the Indominus)
NC (vo): So, big shock, a raptor attacks D'Onofrio off-screen where he's PG-13-ed to death
Every. Jurassic. Park. Movie. Is. Rated. P. G. Thir. Teen! Do you need to expect gore in the franchise? That would automatically turn it into a Rated R movie! If you want any gore, go read the original novel, or go watch Carnosaur (and it is a bad movie).
NC (vo): Well, them and thousands of other people next door, but...
NC: (scoffs) That'd be no fun involving them.
Haven't you paid attention to the movie!? The other visitors and staff members are at the docks for safety awaiting for a boat. (Add Sin)
NC (vo): But suddenly, Claire goes to this giant door and says-
Claire: Unfunny computer comic relief, open up the door!
Lowery Cruthers: Well, screw you too. (Add Sin)
Here's a fun fact: Lowrey shares a number of similar characteristics with Dr. Ian Malcolm from the first two films. At least Doug didn't mock him... ah, never mind!
(Cruthers opens the door)
NC (vo): Suddenly, the door starts to open up. There's nothing but darkness facing her.
NC: (gasps) Holy s***, could it be?
NC (vo): She stares into the black unknown while lighting up a flare!
NC: Oh, my God! Is it, is it...
(A toy T-Rex comes out of the gate, while the T-Rex song plays. (I'M A MOTHERF****** T-REX!) The T-Rex roars)
(Add 20 Sins)
Boy! Did that toy not age well. Thank goodness Mattel had better dinosaur toys than Hasbro for companies. *turns to Celestia* No offense.
Princess Celestia: It's okay. Nopony's perfect.
NC: It's THE MOTHERF****** T-REEEX!
NO! SHUT UP! You don't deserve to celebrate Rexy's return the same way as the real fans of the franchise who grew up with and patiently waited for this installment, you bloody hack! You're like that one a-hole who cuts the line disregarding all those who patiently waited for their turn. This fan service moment is not for you who never cared for it in the first place. Go to Tartarus! (Add 30 Sins)
NC: (squeals in excitement) Hang on, if we're gonna do this, we gotta do this right.
(Presses a button, and we cut to Jon Bailey picking his nose)
Jon Bailey: Oh, uh, hello.
NC: Jon Bailey, I know you're used to doing the Honest Trailers--
No, he's not bailing you out of prison for internet crimes. You're done here, sir! (Add Sin)
NC: I need a voice as epic as yours to narrate the climax of Jurassic World.
Jon: The Motherf****** T-Rex scene?
His check bounced later. (Add Sin)
Jon (vo): The T-Rex then says...
T-Rex: (speaks in a deep, male voice) You cannot defeat such awesomeness!
NC: Wait, wait, wait, the T-Rex is female, isn't she?
Jon: Well, she's a female who happens to sound like Optimus Prime.
More like the voice actor of Sigourney Weaver from the Alien Franchise. (Add Sin) You're not Peter Cullen! Get out--
*Twilight shows up and whispers into my ear*
Oh, Jon Bailey is the voice actor of Optimus Prime from Transformers: Combiner Wars? And he's also the voice actor of the Councilor from XCOM: Enemy Unknown? *look it up on the Wikipedia website* Oh. He is. I'm not gonna add a sin since Jon Bailey really is the voice actor from the Transformers animated movie.
Jon (vo): (A giant robot T-Rex suddenly walks into the scene) Then a mechanical T-Rex came in and burnt them alive!
NC: Okay, I know that didn't happen in the movie!
Really? After you called the Indominus Rex a 'big raptor', and you pointed out Owen and Claire had nothing between each other? (Add Sin) Also, why did you add Grimlock from Age of Extinction here in this scene? I thought you hate the Micheal Bay Transformer movies? (Add Sin)
Jon (vo): Suddenly, that cool Jaws dinosaur you saw earlier comes up and eats the living h*** out of that piece of s***!
Reminder, Mosasaurus is NOT a dinosaur. (Add 10 Sins)
Jon (vo): (We cut briefly to Owen and Claire attempting to hug each other, but Claire ultimately slaps Owen in the face) Oh, and some stuff with human characters happens, but who cares?
(NC squeals as he picks up the camera and starts spinning around while laughing. After several seconds, he stops while laying on the floor)
NC: God...d*** you, movie! G****** you!
For what? Being a good movie and not the trash that you're trying to make it be? (Add Sin)
Not only did you create one of the coolest scenes in any Jurassic Park movie ever, but you totally made up for that s*****-a** f****** idiot sequence in Jurassic Park 3!
(Images of the T-Rex vs. the Spinosaurus from the third movie are shown)
NC (vo): Yeah, remember when the T-Rex dies to the "who cares"-asaurus just so they can sell more toys?
There is enough of a fanbase for the Spinosaurus that would kill you for that! As stated at the Masrani's Backdoor website, it reveals that the Spinosaurus is a hybrid dinosaur before the creation of the Indominus Rex which foreshadows the third movie.
To further the care it's receiving, Mattel is releasing a new toy in their Jurassic World Legacy line because no matter how much you hate it, Jurassic Park 3 is part of this franchise, and it got its fair share of a fanbase, and they deserve the attention. And if it was made to sell more toys, so what? Aren't you a fan of a franchise that was nothing but a toy commercial, you BIG hypocrite? (Add Sin)
D*** it, movies! I was just about done with you, I swear! It was over! I was just about to head out the door and be like...
(Another NC suddenly appears, holding a bag)
NC2: I'm sorry, Jurassic Park sequels. This abuse can go on no longer! You promised so many wonderful things for us, and instead, you hurt me! You hurt me time and again! Well, no more. Goodbye, Jurassic Park sequels!
UGH!!! I always get very frustrated when people are bashing the Jurassic Park sequels (speaking of the third movie), like judging how inaccurate the dinosaurs were. And calling Jurassic Park fans 'stupid' is disrespectful and mean-spirited that all JP fans are dinosaur enthusiasts and paleontologists like me! (Add Sin)
NC (vo): It’s like Frost/Nixon. The majority of the interviews aren’t very good, but the last few minutes practically makes up for all of it. I guess, really, the film’s not the worse. I mean, it is well-acted, looks nice, and does have some remarkable scenes.
As every good movie out there. So stop shaming them for dumb reasons when there are far worse movies that you can make fun of without anyone complaining about them, and stop shaming the fans for liking them! You don't talk for us, and you don't decide what we like it or not. (Add Sin)
I guess as the films go, it is the second-best out of all of them, but given the other two, that’s not a phenomenal feat.
Not a phenomenal feat? Can you name a sequel that was made years after the previous installment that was actually good both critically and financially, and managed to top Marvel at the box office, and not a hack job like Alien: Covenant? If you can't answer that, then shut up! (Add Sin)
A lot of choices they make do still p*** me off, but I’m not gonna be shocked if other people like it. For a lot of people, it’s stupid in all the right ways. For me, I didn’t think it went far enough, except for that ending, which, like I said, is totally worth the price of admission.
Stop talking like it's a bad thing to like a movie YOU didn't like! (Add Sin)
NC: Yeah, I realize this review is all over the place. Should you see it, should you not see it? But, hopefully, you can get in some idea if this is the right movie for you.
How can you get the right idea out of this review? Tell me! How? Because you acted it out? That's like I should watch Twilight (movie) because I saw high schoolers, who can't act, told me so! (Add Sin)
Jon: So, is that it, then?
NC: Yeah, pretty much. There's nothing else to reenact. Though the studio that owns this does also own 50 Shades of Grey, and it's unlikely they'll let me use the clips for that.
(NC turns to look at Tamara, and then Malcolm glances at her. Tamara looks at both of them)
(NC and Malcolm glance at her again)
Tamara: Okay, no.
(NC and Malcolm groan)
You're not gonna turn this review into an adult video. Are you? (Add Sin) Nah! I'm kidding, he's not.
Jon Bailey: ((As the credits roll, the T-Rex song plays again. I'M A MOTHERF****** T-REX!) Be sure to subscribe to this crazy guy for his movie reviews and--
I already unsubscribed Channel Awesome after watching half of this piece of trash. (Add Sin)
Twilight Sparkle: What piece of trash?
*sigh* His review of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
Twilight Sparkle: So you gonna... defend the movie?
I can't defend it! His review is a nightmare to every Jurassic Park fans, including the rest of the Fallen Kingdom haters.
Twilight Sparkle: Shinobi 03 defend it.
But not everyone else. But I can't do it.
Twilight Sparkle: Hmmmm... why not we get someone, who is a fan of this franchise, to help you defend Fallen Kingdom?
Twilight Sparkle: Oh yeah!
Sin Count: 288
Movie Sin Count: 5
Sentence: "This will give the parents nightmares"